Devaluation

I have a tendency to give more than I really have, of my time and my heart and my energy. I know this is something I struggle with and haven't found a cure for. I don't want to tell people "no" and I don't want to let people down. So I do whatever people need me to do, regardless of the sacrifices I have to make for it.

Because of this, I have two jobs where I get paid very little and work 2 to 3 times more than I'm paid for. I know I should push back and say no. But it's hard for me. And I justify it by telling myself I'm doing good work and it's appreciated.

But it turns out that one of the side effects of being invisible is that people don't really appreciate what you do, no matter how much you do. Consequently, one of my jobs is questioning why they're even paying me the poverty level wage they pay me, despite the fact that they'd be paying others - people who aren't invisible and have back bones - probably twice as much for less work. Clearly there's a lack of value - in their minds - for what I do.

The struggle for me then becomes, do I work even harder for the pennies I get, to prove my worth? Do I continue to internalize it and feel worthless and un-valued? Do I continue to cry myself to sleep, sink deeper into depression, and increase my nightly alcohol intake?

How do I make myself visible, and prove my worth, without losing more of myself along the way?

And what is wrong with me that I can't seem to just say screw it all and work only what I'm paid for and then forget about it?

In the meantime, we continue to sink deeper into poverty while those around us put us in a position to have to spend more and more money we don't have...

Every day I am more convinced that the curse of the invisible woman is to be a play thing for the universe's sadistic games, and never to know peace, happiness, or love.